Have you ever felt sick and tired of feeling sick and tired?
The crazy thing is, that while we often dislike where we are, or how we feel; we often seem to like the discomfort of where we are more, than the growing pains it would take to get out of where we are, or how we feel.
And so we stay! Stuck! And we continue to feel sick and tired. Patterns and cycles, and cycles and patterns.
Well, I am done!
Done with trying to please everyone, and being driven by my fears of rejection. Done, with constant anxiety. Done, with this insatiable drive that makes me want to earn love by the things that I do.
Done, with accusations and verbal or emotional abuse of others, who continue to speak and act with toxicity. Done, with lack of boundaries. Done, with lack of self-love. I am done!
I am learning that growth hurts. And I believe the notion that "what doesn't make me happy, isn't for me" is false. Sometimes the things we thought were not for us, because they hurt or made us uncomfortable, are very much serving us. Serving a greater purpose. Serving us to break free into growth.
Roots take time. They have to break through the soil, to grow into a plant or tree that can eventually bear fruit.
Growth hurts! And it doesn't always make us feel happy, but is essential for growth nonetheless; and ultimately can bring much deeper joy than we might have expected.
On the other hand, the idea that we must allow anyone and anything in our lives, because of love, is at times, not love at all, but pride. Pride that makes us think we become of value, when we self sabotage, self sacrifice, and allow toxic words and actions to define our worth.
Self proclaimed martyrdom is not noble, but foolish. And as a type 2 on the Enneagram I know about that all too well.
So here we are! Two extremes. One side that says "This is my life. I want to be happy. I will do as I please, and will remove anyone or anything that I believe doesn't "serve" me." The other side that assumes, that love equals self-abnegation and lack of boundaries.
As Andy Stanley say:s "We have to manage the tension."
So what does that look like? Finding balance? What does it mean?
As said Type 2, I struggle with that. I find myself either anxious and in tears, over things that leave me wondering what others think of me, and how I can be of more value and worth, based on the needs I meet around me. Or I find myself resentful and bitter, pulling up walls in the name of independence, which is ultimately just reversed unhealthy codependency at the end of the day.
Here are a few things I believe, as followers of Jesus, (and even for those, who are not, I highly recommend this) we can practice, to find that balance:
1. Ask God to search your heart
Motivation makes all the difference, and as Scripture says: "the heart is deceitful above all things." (Jeremiah 17:9). Our emotions can't be trusted. But often, neither can our thoughts, for "our thoughts are futile". (Psalm 94:11). As living beings, we are body, mind and spirit. We need our thoughts, we need our heart (aka emotions), and we need our instincts, our bodies. A balance of all three would be ideal. However, on a daily basis and depending on our dominant personality type, it is often either one or the other that primarily guides us and our perceptions. Some of us are driven by our intellect, others easily moved by the things they feel, and others again by the things they perceive in their gut. We might think we know the way, we might believe we have good intentions, but underneath the surface, or deep in our sub conscious, it might be fear, shame or anger that drives us.
When I do something for someone else, is it really out of selfless love, or because I want to be seen as someone who does good. Or perhaps because I base my worth on the good I do. What drives you? Why do you do what you do?
In Psalm 139:23-24 the Psalmist writes: "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
Only the One, who made our hearts, truly knows the depths thereof. He can bring what's hidden to light. He knows how limited we are, and loves us still! His perfect sacrifice, made a way for us to become His righteousness. He is the One, who can see it all, and can transform us into His likeness, so we can speak, and act with the right motivation.
And as our hearts become transformed, we can act and speak in the right way.
If we engage with someone, who may or may not be difficult, we can approach them with love, but also with boundaries. When we say no to something unhealthy, it is not out of bitterness, or resentment. When we say yes to something that is hard, we do so because in our hearts we feel we are called to do so out of obedience and love.
It is no longer fear, shame or anger that drives us to pull up walls or practice false martyrdom.
The more balanced our heart, mind and body is, the more balanced our decisions will be, and for the right reasons.
2. Ask God for wisdom
It is amazing to see what happens when we take God at His word. He tells us to ask for wisdom if we lack it, and He will give it generously without finding fault (James 1:5).
Ask!
As we get to know Jesus more, just like in any good relationship, we learn Him, and what His will is. He will give us wisdom, what to do when and how. I want to have that type of intimacy and closeness with my Savior, where I talk to Him about everything.
When that's the case, I believe He will guide us, and show us when we need to take a step back, say less, do less, and maybe even withdraw and pray; and when it is time to step forward, and say yes to a person or cause.
3. Intercede!
This is a word familiar in Christian circles, but something we do not truly do all too often.
Intercession is more than a pre-dinner or bed time prayer. It is not just asking for something, on someone's behalf, but lifting them up before God, with empathy and devotion.
Ask God for a compassionate heart. A heart that breaks for the things that break His.
This "toxic" person you are trying to establish boundaries with, is in just as much need of grace and mercy, like the rest of us. Ask God for a kind and forgiving heart toward them, and lift them up! With passionate, fervent prayer. Bringing them before a good and loving Father!
Imagine being a child, and your sibling, or best friend, or whoever might be dearest to you, gets seriously injured while playing. Seriously hurt. Blood everywhere. Tears, fear, terror.
You would run to your mother or father, and call out to them for help. Maybe even shouting for someone to come and intervene.
And if you did not have parents you could come to like that. and you find it hard to view God as such a loving parent, imagine calling 911, and frantically trying to get them to come help as fast as possible, because all you want is for your loved one, to survive and be ok again.
God IS a good father, He is a good mother. He is faster than any emergency service can ever be.
Call on Him, on behalf of this person. And ask God to soften your heart toward them, so you can love them, as if they were your beloved.
4. Get to know yourself
Jesus said we ought to love our neighbor as ourselves. Thus, it is important we have love for ourselves.
But what does that look like? Who are you anyways?
As Ian Morgan Cron says in "The road back to you: "Most folks assume they understand who they are when they really don't. They don't question the lense through which they see the world. Where it came from. How it's shaped their lives or even if the vision of reality is true... What we don't know about ourselves can and will hurt us and others... Without knowledge of ourselves, there is no knowledge of God. It's good theology."
God created you in a unique way. The way you were created to be is of importance and value.
Get to know yourself. I highly recommend the wisdom of the Enneagram as a tool. Learn who you are and why you are that way. And dare to do the hard and holy work of growing, more and more into the image of Christ, and into the person you were created and called to be.
Why is this so important in regards to finding balance between boundaries and sacrifice?
As I get to know myself, I am learning when I do something out of genuine love, or out of a false sense of identity.
For example, as a type 2, I have often allowed the opinions of others to have too much power over me, or I continued to pull up walls out of fear of rejection (something common for my type), or then in turn have a lack of boundaries, because I thought the toxic behavior of a family member, meant they needed me, and in order to be loved, I needed to meet that need.
Not realizing what they needed was perhaps boundaries, out of love, not a codependent enabler.
4. Establish boundaries
Now this is a word that is thrown around a lot!
In the name of bitterness and unforgiveness, we "establish boundaries". In the name of pride, we "overstep boundaries". Out of fear of rejection, we don't "set up boundaries".
Whatever the cause, boundaries are important.
Jesus did not always let people do with Him as they pleased. He left the crowds and even His disciples at times, to have alone time with the Father.
When the people of the synagogue (the synagogue mind you!) were furious and drove Him out of town and wanted to throw Him off the cliff, He walked right through the crowd and went on His way (Luke 4:28-30). His time had not come! You see, sometimes it seems to be even and especially the people of the "church", who say and do the most hurtful things; sadly sometimes even in the name of God - or so they think.
Jesus did not heal everyone. He did not do miracles everywhere.
When His time did come however, He was led to the slaughter like a lamb. That is when He let them do with Him as they pleased. Torturing and crucifying Him to the cross. So we could go free!
This whole time however, His heart was right.
He acted and spoke in wisdom.
He walked in perfect unity with and in obedience to His Father.
He knew Himself. He and the Father were One.
When we see Jesus, we see the Father.
And in Him, we find the One, who knows what balance looks like. Loving people unconditionally, but also having the wisdom and purity of heart, to know what others really need. Be it intercession, another chance, or maybe even boundaries that are established in love.
Whatever it may be, that is needed in this season - may it all be done in true love and to the glory of God, the Father.
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1. Corinthians 13:13
Blessings,
R. E.
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